apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
