T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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