When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize