I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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