I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am midnight drunk by noon
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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