remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
