I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
