Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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