I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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