dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
