Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
