i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize