Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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