Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
