I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
