Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
