I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
