Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
