yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
