I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
