i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
