i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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