I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
