I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
