im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
