I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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