Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's never too late to be topless.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
