I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
