Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish you could order shots online.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
