mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize