i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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