Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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