No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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