So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dear god my vagina.
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