I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
