I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
