I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
