Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
