why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You took a bar mat shot.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
