My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So many bounce houses so little time
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
