I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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