We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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