I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
