it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
