Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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