Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
