come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
