after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize