ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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