I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
