I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
