i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
