I got her a Nickelback box set.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
