We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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