the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
