Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
