All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
